One of the most important skills we can develop is recognizing the subtle signs of struggling due to a loss of control in daily life. This could be you, a loved one, or a client. As holidays approach they tend to bring behavior shifts and changes that may not be immediately obvious—even to the person experiencing them. If thoughts or behaviors begin to veer in a direction that doesn’t make sense, then it’s a good time to do a self assessment.
Loss of control can manifest in various ways for those who’ve experienced trauma. A survivor might begin to feel as though they’re simply going through the motions, disconnected from their own decision-making. They may describe feeling like a passenger in their own life, or express confusion about how they ended up in certain situations. Sometimes, the “loop” returns. This is a cycle of living in the past, which can’t be changed. The ,”If I had only done this,” or “Why didn’t I just do that?” phrases may creep up. These phrases can plunge a trauma survivor into darker places.
Changes in decision-making patterns may appear as increased indecisiveness about simple choices, or conversely, impulsive decisions that seem out of character. A survivor might defer constantly to others’ preferences or struggle to articulate their own needs and wants. Financial instability could manifest, such as over spending. Shifts in relationships and boundaries often signal internal struggles with control. Alternatively, withdrawing from previously important relationships and activities is a more recognizable “red flag” behavior. Difficulty saying no and taking on too many commitments could be a sign of escape because the person becomes so overly involved, they do not feel a part of their own reality.
Disruptions in routine and self-care can indicate deeper issues. This might look like irregular sleep patterns, neglecting basic needs, or abandoning hobbies and interests that once brought joy.
Emotional numbness is another critical indicator. Survivors may describe feeling like they’re watching their life from outside themselves, or express difficulty connecting with their emotions.
Holidays come regardless and are celebrated by pretty much everyone; it’s hard to escape them. So, to deal with it, it’s best to create space to rebuild a sense of agency. Ask yourself or your loved one open-ended questions that invite reflection: “How am I feeling about the decisions I’m making?” or “What would feel right for you in this situation?”
Validate any experiences without judgment. Acknowledge that feeling out of control is a common response to trauma, not a personal failing. Identify even small areas where choice and autonomy can be exercised.
If behavior causes you or a loved one to feel too overwhelmed, then seeking the help of a mental health professional may be the next step. Professionals can offer therapy, counseling, and medication. More than likely, these solutions are just temporary to get through a rough time. There is no shame in this process and it does not equate to being weaker than others – in fact, being able to embrace your need and take charge is a strength.
Most importantly, be patient. Rebuilding a sense of control is a process, not an event. By staying attuned to these shifts and offering consistent, non-judgmental support, we can help ourselves or other survivors reconnect with their own power and agency—one small step at a time.
LaFASA News 